today i didn't even have to use my AK

i always get to do what i want. it's a life of privilege, i suppose. aside from being the first born, there's also the unignorable fact that i'm white, over six feet, and sort of pretty. folks clear the lane for you when you got that going. so, generally, what i want to happen seems to when i want it to.

except this year. this holiday season, i'm going to alaska. where it's cold. to be around my girlfriend's family. this is not how i would normally choose to spend christmas.

actually, truth be told, i couldn't give a shit one way or the other about christmas, but everyone around me seems to like it, and i like almost everyone around me, so i buy into it to a degree. i couldn't care less about christians. or religious people in general. i'm not all giddy about westernized retail success either, so all of this holiday business don't impress me much. but, i do like the smell of pine trees and christmas cookies are good good stuff.

but do i want to enjoy that in a climate that (last i checked) barely climbs into the positive numbers? hells no. i'll be around a variety of girly-girl"s family members, some in better shape than others. there's also a wedding that we are attending, one of her cousin's. so, for those of you keeping score: bitter cold weather, a stranger's wedding, and awkward meta-family obligations. for as much as we'll spend on plane fare and lodging, we coulda gone to sao paulo. oh, well.

see, here's the thing, and i know i don't mention it nearly often enough. i love me girlfriend. and while the shit in alaska seems to be rising on a daily basis, she has dutifully gone and visited, nursed, coached and coddled family many many times while i stayed here in mild pacifica, enjoying the run of the house and the lifestyle of excess and drinking that can only happen when your true love leaves town. not only that, but she has worked as hard, if not harder, to endear herself to my family, she makes the coupla hour trip down to p-town regularly with me, and has done all of her girlfriendly duties that make her a shining star in the old folks eyes. and have i done the same for her family? not even a little bit. so, that considered, i knew it was time for me to make an appearance. and tomorrow, we leave to make that appearance. bluh.

i've complained about this to anyone who would listen, friends, family, strangers in bars, and most importantly and stupidly, my girly-girl herself. this will be my last long-faced look at the trip up north. from here on out (at least until our return), i'm going to get my game-on attitude together, and make it look like i'm having the best time of my life, discovering the roots and truths about the girl i love. i'll grin so hard it will look like i'm trying to break my teeth. i might just shoot a rainbow out my ass. and i'm going to try and be as nice a guy as humanly possible.

and when i get back home, kick my shoes off, and plant myself on the couch, i'm going to drink, drink, drink. and maybe, when all is said and done, i'll be able to look you right in the eye and say, "yeah, alaska... we had a great time."

mom and pop... they will fuck you up... for sure.

my folks are in town. i'm lucky, because the folks, they rule. good folks, love to see ya, never get down on ya. good folks.

everybody who has folks probably thinks it's the strangest relationship they've got, and they're probably right. if you want to get really gritty about it, it's like: half of one, half of the other one, and you fell out (or got cut out) of one of them. you've also probably based your life's expectation and road map of theirs, and whether it's at the front of your mind or not, theirs is what you are up against.

sad but true: i can't live up to ol' moms and pops. they did it all with class, grit and style. life isn't what it promised them, but who's is? they are honest and true and they do just slightly more than they should have to, to make this a better world. i shit you not: my dad doesn't break the rule of law. he don't want no trouble. he understands the right way to do things, and he does it that way, the best he can. i can't do that. i don't really give a shit about the letter of the law, just the spirit, and sometimes (many times) i don't even respect that. my folks are like the best neighbors in the world. friendly, helpful, interesting, unobtrusive. me? i'm unobtrusive to a fault. as your neighbor, it'll take me six or seven years just to get your name right. i keep my shit tidy, but i don't want people knocking on my door, either. mom would make you a quiche.

so, tough to live up to, yes. by the time that they were my age, they'd been married fourteen years. that makes my head hurt. i am way, way behind schedule. not really, but damn... some times it can be a little weird. and i'm myself considered a "LTR" type of guy. i deeply suspect that could possibly be the worst part about me: i suck the life out of otherwise promising young women. and it takes a long time, three or four years on average. i've been told that it's painful.

mom says i'm hard on girls. gee, ya think? mom would never be that sarcastic, but she would laugh at it, which only serves to make her that much better. mom and dad appriciate a joke.

so, mom and dad, and and breakfast. wish my sister was here.

they call me greasy choirboy.

creatures of habit are possibly the worst creatures cluttering up the planet, and i should know, because i am among the worst. the habits... compulsions... self-destructive behaviors... well, i'm not suggesting that life would be better without tradition and curiosity, but fer fuck's sake; some days i feel like bill murray in groundhog day. i guess lots of folks must feel like that now and again, otherwise, that movie wouldn't have made any money.

i'm at the end of my weekend, in which once again i did among the least possible, but the most predictable. i farted around in record shops, and on the computer. i laundered, i tidied up the kitchen. i sat around watching television. i smoked a bunch of weed. i moved a few records around. i slept in. i ate thai food. i watched a wet, useless snow drift in cotton ball-sized chunks down onto the ground, only to disappear into the slick pavement. i rarely stepped outside. the closest i got to exercise was a brief jaunt down the the driving range with pedro and the steely surf animal.

here's what i didn't do, and this is why the rza plan will be welcomed in january: i didn't make a mix cd, write a song, do the obligatory christmas shopping, cook a fancy meal, skate, jump off something tall, pay my bills, organize a couple of record sets, do any situps, clean ye olde jeep, talk to moms and pops, fix my website, invite some new friends over, paint the kitchen, find a new dog, stretch, vacuum, get a haircut, clean out the storage, get a passport, or go surfing with the surf animal. he needs a better name than that. whatever, all it means is that i had three unencumbered days, and i didn't impress myself worth a shit.

the rza plan is a stupid plan unless stepped up this year.

it's no secret that i can waste all kinds of time burning my brain with mild forms of fun. i'm a wash and wear sort of substance abuser, so i could probably be a burnout year-round, without any sort of self-censorship or concern. but for chrissakes, just because i like chocolate cake doesn't mean i eat it every day. actually, if you are me, it does. it's that whole habit thing. it ain't gonna destroy me, it will just make me feel pathetic about myself, and that sort of attitude, well, it takes you exactly to where you think you deserve to go. so, with that in mind: i don't smoke weed for the first six months of the year. years ago, i was reading an interview with wu tang clan's rza, and he spoke of doing just that. (by the way, do you know your wu tang name? pedro's is auxillary priest, which is just about this close to perfection) well, i thought that i could use a little self-regulation in my life, so i started to do the same thing. it's got it's good times and bad, but it works for me.

and this year, i'm going to try and get my drink habits nailed down too. sobriety is an amazingly overrated state, but i really need a change of scenery. so, i intend upon not drinking for that first six months as well.

i can do anything for six months. right? yeah. will it make a damn bit of difference?